8:30 8/11/1999 I think I hate these ways of communications, I think I have built it here, because I was here alone, and I was missing a lot many people, and I could write them I could call them, I could send them sms message, but I could not be with them real, and I felt so much pain, I think something has changed in me, and I think I can be alone or with somebody in real....

U know I have changed when I came here, and I think everybody would changed after going through what I went, and I just simply can not build anything across the wires, I think not can not, I think I don't want to do it, because I can not live with it, I don't know what's going on with people when I don't see them real, and I can not stop thinking about them...

I think I can not explain it much, I think u don't understand, because u see all the people u know all around u every day, but I had to kill it here in me, u know me more than anybody and u know these things are the most important to me, and I killed them here in me, I can not think about my brother, I can not think about my grandma, because I would go crazy, it looks like a word here, but in real it means, so many things, I can not afford now, I can not go 140 in the car, and don't look at the traffic in front of me, I can not dream in the work, and make mistakes, which will effect other people, I can not look at the window evening and thinking about the jump, I can not.....

it's so difficult to explain and I know I can not explain it talking to the phone, and I can not explain it even in one meeting, I want to go completely other way not to think about my feelings but make them, I think people find most about each other when they do some rubbish things together, like just going somewhere for the trip and talking all the time about rubbish, they can find much more about each other them serious talk...

I feel so many things inside of me which I can not express and I know u r confused about them, and even me I am confused about them too, and I know myself very well and I don't understand them, how u can understand them from the phone line ?

U know I really feel the more I am contacting u, like I am doing something really bad now, I care so much about u, that I don't know what to do, I think u should be strong, and u r strong now, I can not send it to you I will put it there on the page, because if u want u will look at it, and if u don't want u will not, I don't want to push it to your mailbox....

I can not send it to you, and I can not keep quiet, I can not be with u, and I can not be without u, I don't live here, and I don't have any other world to live, I don't know where I went wrong, I feel so much that I can not live happy live inside the latest technology, because I am not one of those guys who's idea is to connect everybody with everything and anything to be able to communicate about anything but nothing.......

I believe in completely different way of communication, they way people are forgetting more and more, the way which all the people see one day, is the right way for people to go, the way to look into someone's eyes, and to hold someone's hand, to see a real smile on somebody's face.........